I dont want to love you anymore!

Sometimes she wonders to herself how much is enough to don a real time role?

Here she is trying to be the bestest wife on earth but when the other person just takes her for granted, that is when such a question arise. She knew in many case between a couple, things don’t vibe well but still one hopes that things may get better but fact is that never happens.

The biggest mistake of her life was her current second pregnancy…really that was the biggest mistake because only during this pregnancy did she saw the true colors of her selfish husband. He used to be a good husband but off late she realized that he is good when things are good…when things get sour around him, instead of solving that issue he runs away and looks at other ways to entertain himself. Thank God atleast during this pregnancy she finally saw this face of his!
Now its too late and she cannot abort this child but yes one thing is for sure, atleast now she understands her priorities of life and has genuinely sorted them out. I don’t think she being an emotional person would share her innermost feelings with him anywhere. She would respect him as a father and thats where this relationship would takes a full stop. This also doesn’t mean that she is looking to flirt or find love. She is going to get into grass root level services. Yes she does need capital, but once she is done with the delivery and the child becomes nine months old, she has decided to get into full-fledged professional life and this time she will have her own savings. She was a fool , from day 1 of her career, she had always given her pay check to her husband…biggest foolish stuff a wife should do…especially for a person who had married her for just being a convenient wife…love must have been the last reason!

Now she analyzes his circle of friends. She understands he is emotionally attached especially to his best friend Namitha, its very obvious that he has a huge crush on her, though Namitha would never accept him as Namitha loves money more than anything else…She never liked Namitha and always found her arrogant, the biggest mistake she though was trying to make friendship with her…She hates Namitha..To her Namitha will always be a no-one and I genuinely don’t like her too!
The worst part is that she had lost everything in this marriage, whatever gold her parents had provided, her career…She was flourishing in my career when he got his Mumbai break...She should have never agreed but being an emotional fool she agreed and was happy for his career. But today when he is doing better he has also shown me his true picture. He has never appreciated her, oh yes he does it at times but that’s his diplomatic nature, he is never genuine about it.

Only thing he does is to be very good to her relatives, again he is not genuine about it. He loves his mother more than anyone else in this world and when there were issues between both of them he obviously like a coward (which he is) stayed away and in his heart supported his mother and hated her.During those times, she was pregnant.
Sadly in this pregnancy he has always given her unhappiness on a daily basis. Not a day when she has not cried, in fact she has never cried so much in her entire life. She is so tired of being sad. He says that she has changed and don’t pamper him….has he ever thought why doesn’t she pamper him?
Suddenly he feels that he has got a cook for her, is consulting her in the best hospital, and have also allowed her to take a break in career then why can’t she just blindly love him. Fact is all this he is doing is to just show off himself in his group of people. A person who is so much concerned would first and foremost keep his wife emotionally happy and not stay away from her. His meetings get over by max 6 pm but he stills comes home late…well he does enjoy his female colleagues company more, though honestly he would never accept that because of his diplomatic nature…..Sometimes she wonders to herself whether she loves him maybe she respects him as he is father to her children but as a husband this is what she feels, ”I don’t want to love you anymore”

On goes the search....

And I search and search for myself, as I am lost being a wife,being a mother,daughter,daughter-in-law,sister,sister-in-law, friend, colleague, partner, acquaintance, employer, employee, tenant,landlord in this huge world, but where am I,just a speck of dust?or am I just in me and this small world inside me?

Before tying knots!

It was the usual morning, dot 6:20 AM,she got up ,folded hands to pray, got ready and set for her usual brisk walk but something was different about the day, or was it the way she looked at the world differently that day.

She was greeted by her usual gang of friends who greeted her daily, the old Aunty who limped while walking, another Uncle who walked quite briskly and for long hours, he was always there walking before her and left the ground after her, the young teenager with the little dress and with an ipod who was always fast and she could never compete with her.The usual pairs of two men who would be discussing about their clients and stuff in office, the couple who never uttered a word to each friend,pair of aunties who spoke a lot to each other and kept taking breaks in between to finish their sentences and then was her all alone ananlysing her life and each day.

Usually when she used to walk, she would mutter gayatri mantra in her mind but today she decided to listen. It was a quiet day but she had decided to focus her ears around.For once she could hear the chirping of bird, the cawwing of crows,she also heard a whistle of a pressure cooker blow by,maybe the cooker had rice and dal for the kids for lunch. She also heard the trains hooing as tit crossed by.She wondered if she heard them every day as she never paid attention to these details. She then decided to pay attention to what she saw. She was suprised to come across different flowers which had varied and beautiful colours.She never knew that the garden had almost 25 different kinds of flowers. She was delighted. And then she saw him, he was in a red t-shirt and white shorts.There was something about him which made her stare at him. He was walking very fast and she could not keep the pace with him and lost him instantaneously. For a minute she thought it was all a dream and smiled to herself.

She went back home and gulped water down.She went to the balcony when Amma called her out and gave her a hot cup of tea. She smiled and took a sip and again the person in red shirt and white shorts was in her mind.She shook herself and thought what was wrong with her. How could she dream of a guy,when she is getting engaged in a weeks time!

She then got ready to go to office. As she was leaving, as any other day, she took her laptop bag in one shoulder and a tupperware lunch bag in another shoulder.She felt sorry for this image of hers, she felt as though she looked like an Indian Jawan with one gun on one shoulder and a bag on the other or even a house wife who goes for a shopping with a little one. They usually have a huge mommy bag in one hand and a bottle in the other hand.She wanted to reach the main gate soon so that  she could get inside the office cab and sit comfortably.She walked fast and as she reached near the gate, her heart skipped a beat, it was the same red t-shirt and white shorts man, but this time he was dressed differently. He was wearing a blue shirt and a black pant.he thought that he looked nice and neat. He also seemed to be waiting for a cab.She could not help but stare at him but that lasted for second as thankfully her cab arrived. She got in and tried to close the door but someone from outside tried to stope her. It was him again, she looked at him and he smiled and told her politely that was a new recruit and will be taking this office cab.She understood and went inside and sat in her place comfortably. The only place in the cab which had been always empty was the seat next to her and so he, red t-shorts turned to blue shirt sat next to her.

The distance to office, thanks to Bangalore traffic, took an hour and soon they started talking to each other. She understood that he had joined as Manager in Ops team, she herself being the HR head, knew that she will be meeting him more often.She was dying to ask whether he was married but thought it was too early to ask such a question.He then asked her about her personal life and that is when she realized that he was a bachelor.She was very happy to hear that but as she got down from the cab she realized that she was acting as a teenager. What was wrong with her and why was she behaving so weird.

As she went to her cabin, she requested for a strong cup of coffee from the office guy. The office guy was shocked as she never asked for coffee or tea in the morning, she always had one cup of tea in the evening.He quickly made the coffee the way she wanted and placed it in the table in her cabin.

She opened her laptop and started reading all mails.She first went through her assistants mails. Usually she used to send the new jojnees mail which would have been sent by her assistant to everyone but today for once she read the complete mail there she saw red shirts to blue shirts introductary mails. He had a good experience and was an ex-IITian.She was deeply impressed and sent the mail whole heartedly this time.She had a meeting at 9:30 and soon got engrossed preparing for it.

The meeting went off well very well. As usual, she was appreciated by the Global head for her efforts, and then the Global head introduced her to red shorts turned blue shirt and told her that she would be his guide in one specific project. He smiled at her and she was sure that the smile had a hidden agenda to it. He phone rang and she knew tha it was her fiancee ringing.She usually took these calls with excitement  but today she was turned off and greeted her fiancee with a boring Hi, a Hi which even turned him off. He said that he had booked a table for dinner tonight. She said she would be there and went off for the date unwilllingly

The next day she got up earlier than the previous day and made an effort to dres up before her walk. She used to wear her favourite beige shorts and brown t-shirt on a daily basis, but today she wore a yellow salwar kameez.She knew  that the attire fitted her well, and flaunted her curves. As she started walking, she was greeted by warm looks. Aunty even complimented that she looked different and beautiful. As she was taking round of the ground, he came in the same white shorts and red t-shirt. He looked handsome and smiled at her. It seemed that he had the same feelings which she felt. They started talking to each other and soon hit off well. They liked the same kind of books,movies and also had the same list of dream firms which they wanted to work in future

Suddenly out of the bolt he asked her out for dinner, she agreed immediatly. It was strange but there was something between them . She knew that the fiancee would call up for dinner, so she called him onceshe reached home and told him that she would be out tonight for a business meeting.

She took off for the day and went about pampering herself in her regular spa.Soon evening arrived and she was on time in the decided venue. She knew she looked beautiful. The red gown was just perfect.After spending the day in the spa she then went to the boutique to pick the red gown.It fit her well and knew that the lady boutique lady complimented her genuinely. She felt guilty that she never took so much pains to dress herself well to go with the fiancee, but today somewhere she wanted to go wild before the marriage. She knew she would never be able to have a fling after marriage as she also believed that marriages are for keeps. She felt guilty and excited at the same time and was ready to take the plunge.

The daughter-in-law

The daughter in law was angry, sad and frustrated. Was she sad about her marriage? Well no one would believe her as Rahul was the most ideal man in the world. He was a wonderful father, son, son-in-law,brother, brother-in-law,colleague,friend and had to be the best husband. Was he? She was confused, even though all other characters were played by him very well, she had her doubts on the last character.

She had met him 10 years back through an internet site, did she make a hasty decision. They had a wonderful son but was he the one because of whom they are unknowingly carrying on with institution of marriage?

The  daughter-in-law  was smart, beautiful and good natured . She was good at her professional and personal life an was also earning as much as Rahul. So then why are such characters taken for granted?

It was  a small incident, maybe something which could be ignored, but aren’t these small things or moles which make up the mountain?

It was not a great day, just a mixed up day...days which makes you happy and sad silently.

She was alone today with the servant  as everyone in the house had gone for a wedding. As usual, she made an excuse as she hated attending weddings, a place where she thought people were anything but genuine!

She spoke to the servant of the house, the lady had brought mushrooms, fresh mushrooms, but there were black spots in it. She asked her if they were spoilt, but the lady mentioned that in these parts they got such mushrooms, which were spotted.The lady went further saying that she got it from her friends place.Daughter-in-law was happy, as today dinner would be mushroom,she was bored of the potatoes served on a daily basis.

The family came back late evening. Finally dinner was served.It was again Chappatti and potatoes. She started having and suddenly she remembered mushrooms  and could not find them. So she searched for mushrooms, she thought maybe they were cut into very small pieces alongwith the potatoes sabzi.But she could not find them, so she asked the servant casually, where are the mushrooms? The lady replied, what mushrooms?I dont know what are you saying, we never buy mushrooms, she again asked her as she remembered their conversation every clearly but the lady had the same answer. Rahul got irritated and angry and shouted at his wife,”If the lady says it isnt there, then its not there”Why are you behind some mushrooms?
The daughter-in-law replied, “Rahul, I had a full fledged conversation on Mushrooms with her”. Rahul shouted back, “Can you keep quiet, maybe you mistook it for something else, afterall its just Mushrooms”.Everyone supported Rahul, as they needed the servant. Getting a servant was difficult in that part of town.

Is this something one should ignore. The question here is not of Mushrooms, that was an excuse. But is this the way a husband should treat his wife.Is this an incident which should be ingnored casually? Was Rahul  mean ? When a girl leaves her parents place and accepts the husbands place as her own, doesnt she deserve some respect? What went wrong here?She was being honest, isn’t honesty the best policy?She had always trusted Rahul, but is she doing the right thing, doesnt such an incident show that he is just not bothered of her integrity.What about the family, even they showed that servant was more important to them!

Niyati

She was  sad…this was not what she wanted her life to be, but had she ever asked herself what did she want to be? All she did was look at others life and crave on everyone’s luck, while cribbing on her ill fate or destiny or “Niyati”…maybe her parents knew it and that’s why they named her ”Niyati” or destiny.

It was a sunny Sunday morning, well who doesn’t love Sundays…it was on Sundays when she could get up late, as her work started only by 11 AM. Other days she had to reach by 6 AM. On Sundays, Niyati would wake leisurely, make herself a cup of tea, and visit the temple. It was a small temple, with one deity, she had been visiting it for the last 7 years. It was just three days back, when Niyati came to know the name of the deity in this temple, though she visited the temple thrice in a week, knowing the deity did not help much as she prayed to one God, a God who constituted of millions of deities with one question. In the temple, she gave 5 rupees for Archana, the priest asked her name and nakshatra, she answered, “Niyati, Revathi”. The priest went inside to make offerings to the diety. Niyati stood with folded hands; she looked at the deity and asked why was her fate like this? The deity had no answer and Niyati had a tear in her eyes. After coming from the temple, she had one more cup of tea and watched kids playing around. She had been living in this chawl, near the city bus stand, for the last 7 years. It was the busiest part of the city and that made her feel good, as she could watch different kinds of people all day long. Each time she stared at a person, she started imagining the person’s background and finally came to the conclusion that he/she had better luck unlike her!

She was now looking at a brawl happening near-by, a man was drunk and beating up his wife. This was a regular affair in this place and Niyati thought about the ill fate of the lady, but again concluded that the husband would be fine in sometime and they would go out for a movie soon, hence the lady is lucky…at-least she has someone of her own. Did dhe realize that the wife hated the husband and all she wanted was her husband to die, so that she could be all alone again and live life to the fullest!

One mind multiple thoughts: that defined Niyati

After having tea, Niyati got ready for work…she hated Sundays, and the hatred was attributed to Morrie

She reached Memsaabs place at dot 11 AM…she had lots to do, there was a sink full of dirty vessels, there were vegetables to be cleaned and cut, the house had to be swept and mopped, the windows had to be cleaned, she had to remove wet clothes from the washing machine and hang them in the dryer. She even had to wash the bathrooms. She did all the work with full concentration but the worst was still there and she dreaded the most…she kept praying that Memsaab would forget it. She kept thinking of different reason, so that she could escape scrubbing Morrie. Memsaab came from behind and said, “Niyati, one more hour, today is Sunday, you need to clean Morrie!”

Sometimes Some-things in this world are dreaded by us and soon they become part of our life silently!

Morrie, she hated that word, she was scared, well scared to death

Morrie was a four legged animal, it was just an animal, but the treatment given to it was more than what was given to a human being. No-one bothered as to where Niyati slept but Morrie slept in the best place of the house, he had a blanket all for himself and had special food name Pedigree

Memsaab was a nice person and treated Niyati well but she never understood her everlasting love towards Morrie. On questioning, Memsaab would say the same thing,” Dogs are wonderful Niyati, they understand us more than people around”. Niyati would smile on their ignorance

After all household chores, Niyati took Morrie to the bath tub and cursed her father for leaving her all alone. If only, he was here, today Niyati would have completed her 12th standard and would have had some basic job and not been a maid, not a dogs maid! The thought of father brought sadness in Niyati’s heart, he died of the most dreaded disease-Cancer. To Niyati, “Cancer” was a word which announces that the person is going to die soon and sucks all money left with a poor person

She bathed Morrie and in the process got lots of scratches, it hurt her immensely. Earlier Memsaab used to give her band-aid but over the years, that had stopped and Niyati was left to mend herself. She then took Morrie for a walk in the huge complex. Her Memsaab never told her to take a walk but Morrie was supposed to take these rounds religiously twice in a day. Memsaab had also specifically told Niyati not to hang around the common garden, no-one would like it, but yes Morrie had the privilege to enter the garden whenever he wanted. Poor animal, did he ever realize the hatred of the lady besides him!!!

And what was going on in Morries head...well he longed for freedom! How much he hated this place, all he wanted was freedom, wanted to loiter around in the roads like other dogs!But he compromise!

Compromise the ten lettered word around which everyone lives!